Archive for the ‘My Journey’ Category

What if…

Sunday, January 21st, 2018

At some point in everyone’s life they think “What if?” What if i made a different decision? What if I chose something different? What if this never happened to me? That is my what if.

What if I had never been abused as a child? Would I be a different person? Would my life have turned out differently? What decisions in my life would have been different? Would I have the same outlook on life?

What if I had been raised by my biological parents? I would have been raised in a separated family. I would have lived far away from my grandparents and the rest of my family. I would have been raised like my younger half-sister and I know how she turned out, and it’s nothing like the way I turned out to be. I would not have had the same opportunities with them that I had with my grandparents.

What if I had not been abused as a child? I would not have had the time I did with my grandparents. I would not have had the same opportunities. I would not have turned out to be the woman I am today without their guidance. I would not have gone down the path that I have in my life and saved a life (one that I know of). I would not have a chance to tell others who have been through similar things my story and show them that they can make a beautiful life for themselves as well.

What if I had a great marriage instead of 3 failed ones? I would be happy, but at what costs. I am where I am today because of those marriages. I joined the Army because of the first divorce, which gave me a career and a means to go back to college to pursue something wonderful. The second marriage and divorce showed me that I was worth more than just being a trophy wife. And the final one at this moment is teaching me that I deserve better in life.

Re-victimization is a huge deal for someone who has been sexually abused as a child. I have had 3 instances as an adult of re-victimization. If I had not been sexually abused as a child, those instances may not have happened to me. But then I would not have met the counselor who helped me find my way and the career path I am on to help others.

There is a reason for everything that we go through in life. We may not know the reason at the time, or ever for that matter, but there is a reason. God will never put more on us than we can’t handle. Obviously, I am a strong person with all of the things that have been put on me in my life. I am always reminded of the story of Job. God allowed Satan to take everything from him so that he could prove that he wasn’t as faithful to God as He thought. Job was, even though he lost his family, his livestock, his land and home, and even his health. After it all was done and Job proved he was faithful, God gave him everything back and then some.

There is a reason as to why my life has happened the way it has. Maybe it was for that one life I saved. Maybe it was for a future life I will touch. I may never know, but I do know that I have to continue on this path because it is the one meant for me.

What is Marriage?

Wednesday, January 17th, 2018

Many people believe that marriage is a 2-way street, you give and expect to get back. People say marriage is 50/50, and I would have to disagree. Marriage is a one-way street, you should want to give to your partner and not expect back. Yes, it is nice to receive back, but to expect it because you gave is not how it works. You should give of yourself because you love the person. With marriage being 50/50, I disagree because if you only give 50%, you’re only going to receive 50% back. You should be giving 100% to make a marriage work. Marriage is not easy at all and it takes both parties trying to make it work.

I have been through 3 marriages and looking at the third one being another failure. Within all of them I gave everything, and I mean everything because when I left I had nothing, and I never received anything. I wasn’t looking to receive anything, but I would have at least chosen to be respected, appreciated, and loved. Instead I was attacked verbally, mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually. Did I deserve any of it? Of course not.

Regardless of the past, I still believe in love and marriage. I am still hoping that one day I can have someone in my life that appreciates me, loves me, and wants to give me what I give to them. Do I need someone in my life to make me happy? No, but it would be nice to give my love to someone who truly loves me back.

Been a few days

Sunday, January 14th, 2018

I know it’s been a few days since my last post but I have been having problems with ms (multiple sclerosis). It has definitely been hard on me, especially since I have no treatment and the symptoms started in 2010. Apparently the Army doctors don’t know anything about giving current diagnoses and treatment. Because of their negligence, I severely suffer today.

It’s crazy how one thing can ruin someone’s life. It has been difficult, especially since it us affecting my eyesight. I have had to put a hold on school and I can’t work. I miss living a normal life. Most days I’m stuck on the couch with severe pain. I will be glad when the VA (Veterans Affairs) decides to finally get me to the proper doctor, give me the proper diagnosis, and start the current treatment so that I can start to feel better.

Happy Birthday Daddy

Thursday, December 21st, 2017

Today is a hard day for me as it is my daddy’s birthday. He passed away the day before Father’s Day 2000. Even though it’s been 17 years, it’s still very hard on me. He was a great man who loved life and loved to make others laugh. I still remember his many jokes to this day and they still make me smile and laugh, especially when I get to retell them to others. It’s like a big part of him still lives on through me and my memories.

His birthday is hard because of what I wish I could change. He was my stepgrandfather who decided along with my grandmother to adopt me after my child abuse. They gained custody of me when I was almost 12 years old and the adoption did not go through until I was 17. That did not make me love them any less though. The first few years with them were the hardest and not just for me but for them as well because I put them through hell. My mom was a stay-at-home mom and he was an over-the-road truck driver. I was a very emotionally disturbed child due to the child abuse I had experienced and I told them often that I hated them. It wasn’t until I turned 13 when they told me of their adoption plans. It changed everything for me because I realized they loved me no matter what. The sad thing is that even though I knew they loved me and wouldn’t hurt me, it still took another year before I could hug my dad. I look back after his death and realize it was wasted time, time that could have been spent closer together.

Before he passed away, he had a heart catheterization and was told he wouldn’t live much longer, probably only weeks. He informed the doctors that his daughter was graduating from high school in 2 months and he was going to be there. He made it to my graduation and I knew he was proud of me. He told me that night that he knew his purpose in life was to take me in when no one else wanted me and let me become the amazing young lady I had turned out to be. Two weeks later he was gone.

He always said that he either wanted to go in his sleep or doing something he loved and God granted his wish. He loved Model Ts and owned one. He had just received his one and only trophy for his Model T the weekend prior and was driving it to another car show when he had his heart attack. I believe God granted his wish because he fulfilled his life purpose. Had it not been for him, I would probably still hate men to this day. He let me see that not all men are bad and some can be trusted. Losing my daddy was the hardest thing I had to go through but it was even harder that I had not spent more time with him in those years I was scared of men. I know he understood and he never pushed me, but I still wish things had been different.

Happy birthday daddy and I love you! Thank you for changing my life!

Why a Blog?

Thursday, December 21st, 2017

Blogs have become a way to get information out to others, a way to share what one has learned or experienced. I am viewing this blog as both. I want to learn about others and learn new things that could help and inspire myself and others and share that information. My experiences in life have caused me to be very knowledgeable in many areas, but my experiences and lessons learned are different from others who may have experienced the same obstacles in life. I know that everyone deals with experiences in different ways and that they affect each individual differently. This blog is not here to belittle or degrade anyone’s experience(s). This blog is also not here for pity because trust me, pity is the last thing I would ever want. My experiences have made me the amazing woman that I am today. Do I wish that I had not went through some of my experiences? Do I think and dream about how my life would have been different without some of the experiences? You bet, but I have learned to accept them as a part of myself. I have learned to live with the experiences and to love myself regardless of the experiences. I have learned life lessons, lessons that have helped me with my love and passion for psychology and helping others.

I hope others will be able to learn and grow with the information presented on this blog. I definitely don’t mind feedback from followers, so please feel free to post comments in response to anything posted here. Please remember to be courteous in comments and responses, not only for me but for others.