Archive for January, 2018

What if…

Sunday, January 21st, 2018

At some point in everyone’s life they think “What if?” What if i made a different decision? What if I chose something different? What if this never happened to me? That is my what if.

What if I had never been abused as a child? Would I be a different person? Would my life have turned out differently? What decisions in my life would have been different? Would I have the same outlook on life?

What if I had been raised by my biological parents? I would have been raised in a separated family. I would have lived far away from my grandparents and the rest of my family. I would have been raised like my younger half-sister and I know how she turned out, and it’s nothing like the way I turned out to be. I would not have had the same opportunities with them that I had with my grandparents.

What if I had not been abused as a child? I would not have had the time I did with my grandparents. I would not have had the same opportunities. I would not have turned out to be the woman I am today without their guidance. I would not have gone down the path that I have in my life and saved a life (one that I know of). I would not have a chance to tell others who have been through similar things my story and show them that they can make a beautiful life for themselves as well.

What if I had a great marriage instead of 3 failed ones? I would be happy, but at what costs. I am where I am today because of those marriages. I joined the Army because of the first divorce, which gave me a career and a means to go back to college to pursue something wonderful. The second marriage and divorce showed me that I was worth more than just being a trophy wife. And the final one at this moment is teaching me that I deserve better in life.

Re-victimization is a huge deal for someone who has been sexually abused as a child. I have had 3 instances as an adult of re-victimization. If I had not been sexually abused as a child, those instances may not have happened to me. But then I would not have met the counselor who helped me find my way and the career path I am on to help others.

There is a reason for everything that we go through in life. We may not know the reason at the time, or ever for that matter, but there is a reason. God will never put more on us than we can’t handle. Obviously, I am a strong person with all of the things that have been put on me in my life. I am always reminded of the story of Job. God allowed Satan to take everything from him so that he could prove that he wasn’t as faithful to God as He thought. Job was, even though he lost his family, his livestock, his land and home, and even his health. After it all was done and Job proved he was faithful, God gave him everything back and then some.

There is a reason as to why my life has happened the way it has. Maybe it was for that one life I saved. Maybe it was for a future life I will touch. I may never know, but I do know that I have to continue on this path because it is the one meant for me.

What is Marriage?

Wednesday, January 17th, 2018

Many people believe that marriage is a 2-way street, you give and expect to get back. People say marriage is 50/50, and I would have to disagree. Marriage is a one-way street, you should want to give to your partner and not expect back. Yes, it is nice to receive back, but to expect it because you gave is not how it works. You should give of yourself because you love the person. With marriage being 50/50, I disagree because if you only give 50%, you’re only going to receive 50% back. You should be giving 100% to make a marriage work. Marriage is not easy at all and it takes both parties trying to make it work.

I have been through 3 marriages and looking at the third one being another failure. Within all of them I gave everything, and I mean everything because when I left I had nothing, and I never received anything. I wasn’t looking to receive anything, but I would have at least chosen to be respected, appreciated, and loved. Instead I was attacked verbally, mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually. Did I deserve any of it? Of course not.

Regardless of the past, I still believe in love and marriage. I am still hoping that one day I can have someone in my life that appreciates me, loves me, and wants to give me what I give to them. Do I need someone in my life to make me happy? No, but it would be nice to give my love to someone who truly loves me back.

Been a few days

Sunday, January 14th, 2018

I know it’s been a few days since my last post but I have been having problems with ms (multiple sclerosis). It has definitely been hard on me, especially since I have no treatment and the symptoms started in 2010. Apparently the Army doctors don’t know anything about giving current diagnoses and treatment. Because of their negligence, I severely suffer today.

It’s crazy how one thing can ruin someone’s life. It has been difficult, especially since it us affecting my eyesight. I have had to put a hold on school and I can’t work. I miss living a normal life. Most days I’m stuck on the couch with severe pain. I will be glad when the VA (Veterans Affairs) decides to finally get me to the proper doctor, give me the proper diagnosis, and start the current treatment so that I can start to feel better.